Growing into myself and building friendships

It's been nearly three months since my last post and although I should be feeling bad on myself that I haven't blogged for ages, it's an improvement from the last gap, so we have progress.

To say the last few months have been easy would be a lie, to be honest thinking about it I can't believe so much has happened so quickly. 

Around April I became friends with a lovely guy called Danny, who I knew through mutual friends, and to be honest who used to just give me football abuse on Twitter for supporting Liverpool. Unfortunately our friendship was cut short due to a tragic accident and I still can't believe he's gone. 
From this he's managed to raise awareness for men that struggle with their mental health and raised over £15,000 for a charity who focus on this and I think that's absolutely incredible, that he's still helping people even when he's gone. The fundraiser has now finished but if you want to raise awareness or look into this incredible charity, visit Andy's Man Club
Losing someone that's so young has really made me want to clear any bad energy I have with people and focus on the people I really want in my life.
I've made some incredible friendships this last six months and I want to specifically mention Reece and Jonny who have picked me up and probably not even realised it. Two of the most genuine lads I've ever met with hearts of gold and are always there for their mates and who always make me laugh. I used to find making friends so difficult and thought at my age it would be even harder to build friendships, but with them it's been so easy. I’ve actually known Reece for years, since I was about 12 and I never thought we’d be as close as we are now 10 years later to be honest! He has been so good for my mind and whenever I need someone I know I can count on him.
I've also built a close friendship with Mary who I've known a while now but got really close to the last few months. Finding girl  mates I used to find hard because I don't like the bitchy mentality that a lot of girls have, but luckily Mary isn't (too much of) a bitch. 
I think just cutting off toxic friendships and building new ones, or re-building old ones, is actually so much easier than it seems if you have the right mentality. I've just been trying to enjoy every moment I have, whilst also enjoying time on my own.  

Not sure if I've mentioned this on any of my social media but, on the 1st of June, Liverpool won the Champions League and made me a very happy girl. The day after Reece rang me up and said if I can be ready in 30 minutes I could go with him and Jonny to the parade in Liverpool - obviously I went. To say it has been the best day of the year so far would be an understatement - it was incredible. I've never been in such a friendly, happy atmosphere in my whole life. I also met a dog which I'm never forever friends with, Hank.

I would say my mental health has been rocky recently. Not terrible, but not great. I haven't seen my therapist now since mid-May because my June appointment was on the day of the funeral and I couldn't get one in July before my holiday, so I don't think that has helped. I don't think my sudden love for beer has helped either and I've started to cut it down a bit. I think I've started to understand my anxiety a lot more than ever the last few months. I get incredibly anxious when I don't know full details about a situation. I get incredibly worked up and need loads reassurance when I'm meeting new people and going to new places. Everything that makes me anxious could be avoided, I could become a recluse and stay at home and have no friends but I'd rather not so I'm just going to battle through the panic attacks. 

In all honesty I think I've got so much more confident - within friendships, with my body, with my appearance, with my job, with boys. I don't know about you but I think I maybe beginning to love myself??? 
I've been working out a lot the last few months - focusing more on my abs, because although I'll never have them all the time because I eat like a pig, I enjoy the few minutes after a workout where I actually look like I have abs, it's brilliant. 
I've been getting into the holiday spirit and trying on bikinis recently, and after trying on one last week I compared it to the image of me in a bikini from when I was in Barcelona two years ago. I'm genuinely so proud of where I've got myself and I actually think I look alright which is something I would never really say about myself in a bikini. 

On the topic of bikini pictures, I'm genuinely baffled by the taboo around them, specifically by women older than me. I've heard people describe them as cheap and trashy and it's laughable if I'm honest. How a girl can suddenly become cheap and trashy for showing off hard work and body confidence I really do wonder? If anyone knows me personally, they'll know I am not cheap and trashy and that I'm just proud of how hard I've worked on my body. I've had messages off more girls asking me for advice on body confidence and workout tips than I have boys complimenting me, and if I'm going to be helping someone I'm going to do more of it! 

I've been single now for nearly 7 months and it's probably the longest I've been single since I was 14. I'm absolutely loving it though and I really don't see myself getting back into dating any time soon. It's actually a little scary enjoying being on your own this much because I just don't want it to change and I like being selfish with my time and my heart. What does really annoy me is how if I reply to a boy on social media they think I want to date them. We're in 2019 and I just enjoy male friendships, what's so hard to grasp about that. If I say I enjoy being single and I'm not interested, please don't see that as a challenge because I'm not playing hard to get I'm genuinely just enjoying life ridin' solo. 

On my last note I want to mention my number one best friend, Laura aka Psycho Susan. I would not have lasted the last six months in the state I am without her by my side. It's hard having a best friend that lives so far away but it's also a blessing too because we put so much effort into our friendship and when we do get to see each other the memories are the best. She puts everyone before herself, every single day, and I bloody wish she'd start being selfish. Everyone I've introduced her to have loved her straight away because she has the kindest heart ever. Laura, if you bothered to read this - you got this, you're strong, you're powerful and you're an inspiration to me. 

A week today I'll be in Croatia on my mad adventure with my mother and I cannot wait. So I guess the next post you'll see will be about that? If not, see you in 3 months when I bother to post again! 

Ciao for now. 


P.s join my Premier League Fantasy Football League, the code is ncgveh, I'm not begging but I kind of am. 

On another note, yes that is unfortunately Etihad Stadium at the top but it's a pretty picture of when I saw Muse so I had to use it. 

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