Growing into myself and building friendships

It's been nearly three months since my last post and although I should be feeling bad on myself that I haven't blogged for ages, it's an improvement from the last gap, so we have progress.

To say the last few months have been easy would be a lie, to be honest thinking about it I can't believe so much has happened so quickly. 

Around April I became friends with a lovely guy called Danny, who I knew through mutual friends, and to be honest who used to just give me football abuse on Twitter for supporting Liverpool. Unfortunately our friendship was cut short due to a tragic accident and I still can't believe he's gone. 
From this he's managed to raise awareness for men that struggle with their mental health and raised over £15,000 for a charity who focus on this and I think that's absolutely incredible, that he's still helping people even when he's gone. The fundraiser has now finished but if you want to raise awareness or look into this incredible charity, visit Andy's Man Club
Losing someone that's so young has really made me want to clear any bad energy I have with people and focus on the people I really want in my life.
I've made some incredible friendships this last six months and I want to specifically mention Reece and Jonny who have picked me up and probably not even realised it. Two of the most genuine lads I've ever met with hearts of gold and are always there for their mates and who always make me laugh. I used to find making friends so difficult and thought at my age it would be even harder to build friendships, but with them it's been so easy. I’ve actually known Reece for years, since I was about 12 and I never thought we’d be as close as we are now 10 years later to be honest! He has been so good for my mind and whenever I need someone I know I can count on him.
I've also built a close friendship with Mary who I've known a while now but got really close to the last few months. Finding girl  mates I used to find hard because I don't like the bitchy mentality that a lot of girls have, but luckily Mary isn't (too much of) a bitch. 
I think just cutting off toxic friendships and building new ones, or re-building old ones, is actually so much easier than it seems if you have the right mentality. I've just been trying to enjoy every moment I have, whilst also enjoying time on my own.  

Not sure if I've mentioned this on any of my social media but, on the 1st of June, Liverpool won the Champions League and made me a very happy girl. The day after Reece rang me up and said if I can be ready in 30 minutes I could go with him and Jonny to the parade in Liverpool - obviously I went. To say it has been the best day of the year so far would be an understatement - it was incredible. I've never been in such a friendly, happy atmosphere in my whole life. I also met a dog which I'm never forever friends with, Hank.

I would say my mental health has been rocky recently. Not terrible, but not great. I haven't seen my therapist now since mid-May because my June appointment was on the day of the funeral and I couldn't get one in July before my holiday, so I don't think that has helped. I don't think my sudden love for beer has helped either and I've started to cut it down a bit. I think I've started to understand my anxiety a lot more than ever the last few months. I get incredibly anxious when I don't know full details about a situation. I get incredibly worked up and need loads reassurance when I'm meeting new people and going to new places. Everything that makes me anxious could be avoided, I could become a recluse and stay at home and have no friends but I'd rather not so I'm just going to battle through the panic attacks. 

In all honesty I think I've got so much more confident - within friendships, with my body, with my appearance, with my job, with boys. I don't know about you but I think I maybe beginning to love myself??? 
I've been working out a lot the last few months - focusing more on my abs, because although I'll never have them all the time because I eat like a pig, I enjoy the few minutes after a workout where I actually look like I have abs, it's brilliant. 
I've been getting into the holiday spirit and trying on bikinis recently, and after trying on one last week I compared it to the image of me in a bikini from when I was in Barcelona two years ago. I'm genuinely so proud of where I've got myself and I actually think I look alright which is something I would never really say about myself in a bikini. 

On the topic of bikini pictures, I'm genuinely baffled by the taboo around them, specifically by women older than me. I've heard people describe them as cheap and trashy and it's laughable if I'm honest. How a girl can suddenly become cheap and trashy for showing off hard work and body confidence I really do wonder? If anyone knows me personally, they'll know I am not cheap and trashy and that I'm just proud of how hard I've worked on my body. I've had messages off more girls asking me for advice on body confidence and workout tips than I have boys complimenting me, and if I'm going to be helping someone I'm going to do more of it! 

I've been single now for nearly 7 months and it's probably the longest I've been single since I was 14. I'm absolutely loving it though and I really don't see myself getting back into dating any time soon. It's actually a little scary enjoying being on your own this much because I just don't want it to change and I like being selfish with my time and my heart. What does really annoy me is how if I reply to a boy on social media they think I want to date them. We're in 2019 and I just enjoy male friendships, what's so hard to grasp about that. If I say I enjoy being single and I'm not interested, please don't see that as a challenge because I'm not playing hard to get I'm genuinely just enjoying life ridin' solo. 

On my last note I want to mention my number one best friend, Laura aka Psycho Susan. I would not have lasted the last six months in the state I am without her by my side. It's hard having a best friend that lives so far away but it's also a blessing too because we put so much effort into our friendship and when we do get to see each other the memories are the best. She puts everyone before herself, every single day, and I bloody wish she'd start being selfish. Everyone I've introduced her to have loved her straight away because she has the kindest heart ever. Laura, if you bothered to read this - you got this, you're strong, you're powerful and you're an inspiration to me. 

A week today I'll be in Croatia on my mad adventure with my mother and I cannot wait. So I guess the next post you'll see will be about that? If not, see you in 3 months when I bother to post again! 

Ciao for now. 


P.s join my Premier League Fantasy Football League, the code is ncgveh, I'm not begging but I kind of am. 

On another note, yes that is unfortunately Etihad Stadium at the top but it's a pretty picture of when I saw Muse so I had to use it. 

Building a relationship with yourself

Here I am, back again. After Facebook pages told me I haven't posted for a while for the fourth time I thought it was about time I took the hint and post something.
I suppose a quick update is in order, seeing as I haven't blogged since last October. Well, I am ridin' solo once again. This time there's no dramatic back log to the split like my last one, so no juicy blog post to come in the future with all the details because I respect that person a lot, sorry!

A lot happened last year, and my feelings towards life in general changed, and with that my feelings in that relationship left too. If it gets to a point where the person your with is doing everything they possibly can to keep you happy and to keep the relationship going and you're still not happy with it or feeling the same, it's a sign that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

My problem in relationships with anyone whether it's my boyfriend, my friends or my family, I would always put their needs before my own. So trying to find happiness for myself whilst also trying to please the person I'm with is great difficulty, and when I do try and put myself first I do it all at once so it seems like I'm being selfish - there just wasn't any winning.

I had to remove myself from a relationship so I could build a relationship with myself.

Initially being single again was so weird. You leave this relationship and with that you kind of have to remove contact with your ex but then you're significantly a lot more lonelier so when you get some attention you use that and speak to new people but when you tell them you're not after anything, they stop talking to you and you're lonelier once again.

The key is to learn to enjoy being alone and your own company. The benefits of being on your own? There's no time limits, no boundaries and nobody waiting on you or planning around you. You have complete freedom to do whatever you want. Have a few mad nights out. Go and get a tattoo you might not have got if you were in a relationship. Go to Bongo Bingo on St Patricks Day at midday, go to the after party, get home 6 hours later then you should do, drink loads of gin and go to work hungover - (true story, don't recommend going to work hungover though, that isn't fun).

Limit the time you spend on your phone. If you think about it, it's a waste of time really. Scrolling through your feeds, lusting over other peoples lives whilst not living your own. Use it to inspire you but then go out and enjoy your time instead of wasting it on wishing you were doing something somebody you don't even know is doing.

I mentioned having a few mad nights out, but don't go off the rails. The last time I was single, I went a bit mad. I went out three times a week, got stupidly drunk, spent most of my money on alcohol and made most of my memories drunk. It wasn't actually fun looking back at it and that's why I don't have any intention of spending my time doing that now. I couldn't imagine being like that now, I'm a proper old woman. Two gins and I'm done for the night. Despite being on a better wage now than back then, I'm a girl with responsibilities (bills). I'm also a lot vainer now and spend a fortune on my outfits, tan, make up and nails every time I'm due a night out so I'm lucky now if I get a trip to Popworld once a month.

The sole reason I needed to be on my own was to make myself better, or at least try. I needed to improve my mental health. Sometimes I get told that I don't need to share this with people, but I'm absolutely not ashamed so I will. Last year my mental health took a turn for the worse, although I believe it's not been great since I was quite young, it drastically went worse and there became a point where I no longer wanted to be here anymore.

At the time I was lucky enough to have incredible people around me. It's crazy how you can have such a close family and nobody has any idea what you're going through in your mind unless you actually have a breakdown. I'd usually hide away during a breakdown for my dad to find me in a state, or I'd breakdown in front of my mum. But one night I broke down and reached out to my big sisters and I think that was the start of realising I'm not actually okay and I could do with some help. It wouldn't be fair on my family and friends though if I just relied on them to sort me out, they have their own problems to deal with they don't need another thing to deal with. So after some help from my dad I decided to get myself a therapist, and it's the best thing I've done so far this year. I won't lie it's expensive but it's so worth it. The way I see it, I was going to spend stupid money on a personal trainer to help me improve my physical health but how was I meant to push myself to attend PT sessions if my mental state wasn't the best? So it was a no brainer to invest in someone to help my mental health. I currently go once a month for an hour, I've had three sessions and she's helped so much already, I strongly recommend seeing someone if you can.

Talking of physical health, getting fit and working out has been a huge mood-lifter during hard times and it's now become one of my favourite hobbies surprisingly. I try to workout three times a week at home to build that boo-tay and try and get those abs I probably won't ever get.
I have actually started to run,  which is a massive deal seeing as the idea of running has always made me feel sick. I literally used to fake an asthma attack in school in order for me to get out the bleep test at Level 4. Me and my sister are doing the couch to 5k and it's actually not bad but I've only done week 1 so far so I can't properly judge it. Working out (at home) and running are both free hobbies which is great when you need something to do and you're skint (me, 3 weeks of the month) but they both also release endorphins which is what you need to keep smiling.

Things that have kept me going the last few months are things like self-help books, I particularly recommend Vex King's - Good Vibes, Good Life is incredible and a very easy read. I also strongly recommend having a social media detox, removing yourself away from the digital world and enjoying the real world (I'm still working on this). I've become slightly more confident and meeting new people or just meeting up with people you haven't seen for a while has been really enjoyable, reminiscing but also being able to find out things that they've done whilst you haven't been around.

Also, chill out. Allow yourself days inside, days where you just chill. Nights where you don't train, where you just get home, put your fluffy PJ's on and then scream at your TV when the footballs on (can you believe I actually enjoy football now? Mental).

Remember, life is about learning and living and making mistakes. Your life is what you make of it.

The longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself so master that before you create a relationship with someone else.  

lots of love