Stopping a poisionous past shaping your future


I just want to thank everybody that took time to read through my last post about my toxic relationship. I had so many messages telling me I was brave and how they felt bad I had to go through something like that, but honestly my aim wasn't to get any pity or to hate on my ex. Toxic relationships are common and a lot of people don't even realise they're in one until they read someone else's experience and my aim was to help anybody that was currently in one or to prevent people from going through one and I think I did that. I received messages off people I'd never even spoken to saying that it had opened their eyes and inspired them to get out of something poisonous.

Following on from that post, I wanted to talk about the after-math.

As I've written about in many different posts - I've moved on, I've changed and over-all I am happy in my life, and definitely ten times happier than I was a year ago, however I still do struggle. Most of which nobody will notice, unless you're closest to me and unfortunately the one's closest are the one's suffering the most.

I don't think I realised how messed up my head had got from that relationship until I was completely out of it and was dealing with the after math. Unless you've been through it yourself you won't know about any of it. It's all good and well saying "you're out of it now, you can move on and be happy" but what about everything you have to rebuild?

I got into a new relationship approximately 4/5 months after my last one ended and I don't think there is a range of time you should stay single because if that was the case I'd still be single now. You don't know when someone is going to come into your life and is willing to accept all your flaws and try and help rebuild you.

Remember you're no longer a victim
I was lucky enough to find somebody that was willing to have patience and help me grow, but I have to remember I'm not the only person in this relationship and I no longer can use the excuse 'someone else messed my head up so you're going to have to suffer the consequences' because it's not fair on your partner. It's likely he hasn't had the best experiences too, so you've both been victims to something but you can't let that be an excuse on the way you both behave.

Remember the person that made you insecure
I am probably the most insecure person I know. As much as I know my boyfriend loves me, I'll still question everything and over-think the smallest of things. Your new partner isn't the one that broke you, he's trying to make you better so don't take out everything from your past on his actions. My biggest insecurity is other girls. In my past I was made to feel like a competition and I never won, I was never good enough. So stupid things, like my boyfriend liking stunning girls photos or speaking of girls highly, does actually bother me as much as I tell him it doesn't. It shouldn't bother me because I know he's with me for a reason and there are other girls in his life but I automatically over-think it and come to some crazy ideas that he'll end up leaving me for these girls. It's not going to happen but over-thinking and being insecure can send your mind mad.

I do believe I'm getting there with not sounding like a psycho-girlfriend because I definitely never want to be one. If I want the freedom to be able to like pictures on Instagram and having male friends I can discuss with him I'm going to have to accept that he can do the same.

Stop comparing the two 
You need to begin to look at your new relationship as if you've never been in one before. Your past relationship isn't what true love is. Your past was mental abuse. It was one person taking advantage of you loving and caring for them more than anything. That is not a relationship.
My new relationship over-all is everything I've ever hoped for and more. It's two people being able to be happy. It's support and comforting from both sides. It's being able to argue without thinking that's it, that's the end. It's making memories you're both enjoying. It's mutual love.

There's been occasions where I've looked at this relationship and wondered what if it's going to be like the last? Because there was a time in my last where I was happy, at the beginning. It's natural I'm to think that. I'm scared and I'm worried because I don't want to go through that again but if I kept thinking like that I wouldn't get anywhere and neither would the relationship.

I'm in love and I should just enjoy it for as much as I can. I'm being treated like I should be treated so my partner should be treated the way he should be treated too. Why should he be getting punished for another guy's actions?

You're going to argue
These relationships that don't go through arguments and disagreements don't exist it's all an illusion on social media and TV that makes you think everyone is 110% happy and agree with each other all the time. We're not clones, we're human and we're bound to disagree on stuff. We have our own opinions and sometimes they clash. My boyfriend and I have over 20 years of thoughts and experiences each, we've gone through our own shit and we both think differently so we'd be mad to expect to agree on everything. So when these arguments do happen, don't look at it like they're going to leave you because it's a disagreement. I've looked at it like it's the end of the world many times. I've apologised for having my own opinion sometimes and even he has told me I need to stand my ground and have my own mind. Apologising for something you shouldn't be sorry for, just to make peace with someone, is not healthy.

Wanting space isn't a bad thing
Me and my boyfriend only saw each other once a week at one point and that's why it worked so well, but he came to stay with me for a week and I got so attached to him that after it I just wanted to see him all the time and became this needy, annoying girlfriend that relied on his cuddles to cheer me up and that is not who I wanted to be. I wanted to be able to cheer myself up. We decided to have a week of not seeing each other and I think it makes you appreciate your other-half more. It's not a bad thing to want to have time for yourself.

Do your own thing and be you
You'll want to do stuff with your partner but it's important to have stuff you do for yourself. Maybe stuff that he/she isn't interested in so it's purely your thing. I go to gigs quite a lot and that's my thing because we have very different tastes in music and he isn't really into going to see bands live and being in a mosh-pit so it works out well for me. It's good to be able to enjoy things without the other person being around. You don't have to speak 24/7 too. I let my past take over sometimes with this. If I open a message that's not even a message you can reply to (like a few laughing faces or "okay babe") I'll find something random to continue keeping the conversation going, something completely irrelevant that I don't even want or need to talk about just because I'm worried he'll be annoyed if I leave him on read. It's honestly so stupid that I go about it like that but it's just something I've been through and have to learn to stop doing. I think I'd be doing him a favour not texting him all the time anyway.

The key thing is to fight through it. You got yourself out of a toxic relationship, don't allow it to continue controlling your life.

Jennie x 

2 comments:

  1. all valuable tips! I tell everyone I know who is in a new relationship that the most important thing to remember is you will at some point argue! It's completely natural and theres nothing wrong with it. Life isn't perfect, it never is, it's all about accepting that and dealing with it just as it is. You're doing the right thing - the most important thing to remember is you need to always be true to yourself and regardless of how selfish it may seem, make sure YOU are happy. Regardless of what anyone else thinks x

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  2. You are wise beyond you years my darling! Stay positive and make the most of those who love you

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