I don't think anyone will understand how difficult I've found trying to blog again. It got to the point I had to have a lil' cry to my mum about it because I just felt so lost. I want to be personal again, like I've always been but I don't want to get too personal because I know who's reading this or who could read this and I'm not ready to let so much out for them to see it. So it's put me in a bit of a difficult position of wondering what the hell I'm meant to write about. It's called Jennie Wren 3 for a reason and that's because it's about me, my thoughts, my life.
My mum's words were just to write about finding yourself so I guess that's what I'll do.
I deleted my original post about the big change I went through because I was worried I let way too much out and I wasn't ready for too many people to read about it and I'm still not ready to let too much out. So in short, mid-May I ended a 3 and a half year relationship that I wasn't happy in.
Now it's September and a lot has happened and I finally feel happy again. Obviously I still have some negative moments, it would be weird not to, but overall I'm genuinely so happy with everything that's going on in my life.
One of my biggest fears was to be alone but I can't even express how stupid that was to think. My whole Summer has been literally full of my friends, both new and old.
On a walk to work this morning, when I forgot to bring my earphones I spent the whole walk just thinking about every single thing that's happening in my life right now and how much I've changed as a person since May.
My biggest flaw this Summer is the amount of drinking I've done. I didn't go to uni and I barely drank whilst I was in a relationship so I've completely taken advantage of this amount of freedom I have and I've practically gone out every weekend since May. I actually got put on a ban for a week because of how stupid it had got. It's all fun and games until you literally can't remember your night but you're £40 down and you've done stuff you'll definitely regret in the future.
Since one particular night in August I haven't had a jagerbomb because I know they mess me up badly. I also realised I was drinking because I wanted to block out any sad thoughts and that should definitely not be a reason to drink. I'm over that now anyway, I'm back in a happy place because I've had chance to process my thoughts and care about myself.
My friends have been my rock this Summer. As much as I'm close to my family, my friends see things in a completely different perspective and that's exactly what I've needed. I won't drop names because I don't want to accidentally forget anybody but I'll just describe things that I appreciate from certain people.
So I have a best friend that I've had for a few years now, ever since college we were very close, but this Summer we got so close and she is an incredible person. I've needed someone who's just brutally honest with me. I can't stand people that don't tell me how they really feel and don't tell me when I'm wrong. This girl does. She put me on a drinking ban because of the way I was becoming, she told me when I was being a dick because I couldn't see it myself but she also made me feel really good about myself and I love that. I've made so many memories with her and she's the reason I had any sort of Summer so I'm very grateful of this person.
Two others are my friends from miles away. I've known them for 7 years but never met them, well I met one at a gig but it was brief. They both came to Manchester to see me and it was honestly one of the best memories of my whole Summer. They've both been my support system and I can definitely see us being best friends forever and that's a rare thing for me to think so they must be mint, right?
Another girl I've got really close to is like the blue-haired version of me. Except she's like 10x more crazy. She's the girl I go to when I'm feeling pretty low with my love life because we both get ourselves in similar situations and feel the same things about certain stuff so that's how we connect well. You'll probably see loads more of her because we're gigging it up next month for You Me At Six.
I rekindled like five friendships this Summer and it was the best decision I made. One of them being my male best friend of like 7 years. We didn't speak for 3 of them so it was nice that I was welcomed back into his life with open arms. I know if I'm ever in need of just a chat or a male perspective on things then he'll be there. Another friendship was with a girl that I was best friends with when I was 15. We helped each other through difficult times back then and just drifted but we got back in touch and become so close recently, it's like nothing has changed and that's the best kind of love. Another friend I was close to in school and we've made so many memories this Summer. A lot has happened to us both in this time and we don't agree on everything but we're still going strong and that's good. I also got pretty close to one of my college friends this Summer. We talk a lot about lad drama and she came on my pre-birthday night out and that was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to creating a shit-load more memories with this one. Last but not least, I became close to one of oldest friends (friends since we were 4) and we've spent loads of time together (mostly drunk) and loads of memories. She was the friend that got me home safe when I was paralytic a month ago and held her hand over my mouth incase I threw up. True pal that is.
I've become good friends with a few guys too, one in particular I would definitely class as my best friend. He's a good person to talk to about anything because he's just full of wisdom and I need some of that in my life to be honest.
Now moving on to myself, seeing as this is called Finding Jennie, I definitely think I'm still finding her but I've found a lot out about her recently. I feel a lot more confident now about myself in general, my personality, my looks, my body. There's a lot that needs to be improved but it'll happen in time. Rome wasn't built in a day so I'm not going to rush myself into being this person that I want to be, small changes are happening every single day though and I'm happy with that.
What's happening now? I'm definitely living for the moment. Sometimes that means being skint but I'd rather be rich in memories than rich in money (lol, quite cheesy that). A lot of my friends have gone back to uni now but I'm not worried because I've got some other close people that can occupy my time. I have a few gigs lined up for the rest of the year - The Sherlocks, You Me At Six and Bring Me The Horizon and potentially a few more. I want to focus more on my family now. This time of year is full of a lot of their birthday's so I want to make them feel special. I've also got a nephew or niece due in November so I'm really excited for that, he/she will be the perfect end to a crazy year. I've also started seeing someone and it's going good but I'm taking it slow. I just thought he deserved a little mention.
So, I promise now this won't be the last you hear from me for months. I have a few posts planned including a Brighton post, Leeds Fest post and a few more to keep it busy on here. I've missed blogging but I hope you can understand why I've found it so difficult to blog. I'm hoping now that I'm back to writing again it'll sort my mind out a little bit, because that keeps going all over the place - but that's another story.
love Jennie x